Sharing the Weight on my Mind

When I first thought about starting my own YouTube channel and website, I started by making a list of all the things I wanted them to be, and more importantly, what I didn’t want them to be. I wanted them to be inclusive and welcoming spaces where everyone felt at home. I wanted them to be as free from politics as possible - there are literally millions of other Witches talking about world events and how they feel about them. I wanted my spaces to provide comfort, gentleness and calm amidst a sea of anger, greed, sadness and destruction. And most importantly, I wanted to talk honestly about my life as a fifty-something Witch and its ups and downs, especially when it came to the menopause and everything that came with it. And that’s something I want to talk to you about today. This is a very difficult subject for me to discuss. I doubt very much that I will be making a video about it but if anyone asks me to, I will consider it. This blog contains discussion of body image, disordered eating and weight issues so if this is something you do not want to read about, please click away now and I’ll see you next time.

If you follow me regularly you might have noticed a few subtle changes in my physical appearance recently, the most obvious being that I’ve lost a bit of weight. A few of you have been in touch with me and have asked me about it directly. I do not want my channel to be a ‘health journey’ vlog - again, there are millions of other channels offering that kind of content but I have already said that honesty and integrity are the foundations of my channel so I want to address what’s been happening.

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned it before but I have diabetes. I was diagnosed about five years ago, and I was upset but not entirely surprised. My Mum had it and two of my siblings have it so I guess the cards were always stacked against me genetically. But ever since I was a little girl, I have had a problem with my weight. I know that at the very root of my problem was my Dad leaving us when I was five. My darling Mum, bless her, who absolutely adored us, was devastated. She lavished all her love on us - especially me, because I was the youngest and there was quite an age gap between me and my brother and sisters. She did the one thing she could do to ‘prove’ her love and that was to feed me. Far too much and all the wrong things. Food was used both to nourish and reward. I soon learned to associate food with comfort and as a way of repressing painful feelings and the anxiety issues that would follow me my whole life. Anyway, without wanting to bore you to tears, when I was seventeen years old I developed a raging eating disorder. I would starve myself to the point of fainting, challenging myself to exist on less than 500 calories a day. And then I would be so ravenously hungry that I would eat anything I could get my hands on until my poor tummy could not take another mouthful and I would spend the next couple of hours desperately trying to rid my body of what I had eaten - either by throwing it up or by taking huge quantities of laxatives. I was absolutely obsessed with food, constantly thinking about it. I could tell you the number of calories in any food you cared to mention. I lost a lot of weight of course. But one evening I was making my evening ‘meal’ - half a tin of tomatoes and a single slice of toast - and I fainted over the cooker. Luckily my Mum was in the kitchen with me but this was the first time she had really seen the extent of the problem and she was heartbroken. I do not want you to think for one minute that I blame her for any of this because I don’t. But after years of therapy and counselling I do understand the root of the problem. But I think that when you have a problem with eating, it never really goes away. It’s always there waiting to try to pull you under. And so over the next couple of decades I put more weight on, desperately trying to reconcile how much I hated myself with how much I wanted to love and respect myself. And of course when menopause arrived, it added a whole new dimension to the already difficult job of losing weight and taking care of myself.

Anyway, back to the diabetes. When I was first diagnosed, I did not need any medication which I was really glad about. But as time passed it became apparent that I did need something to bring my HbA1C level down (this is a measure of your blood glucose level over a three-month period). I was prescribed a drug called Metformin which is the standard treatment in type 2 diabetes. Unfortunately it did not suit me at all. It made me so poorly. I have a heart rhythm problem and the Metformin sent it absolutely crazy. So my doctor took me off it. My HbA1C level stayed quite low without it but it slowly began to rise even though I was trying really hard to eat carefully. Now I am very, very lucky to have an absolutely fantastic GP who is relentless in their pursuit of trying to help you. You may know that earlier this year I was hospitalised very quickly with a serious infection that was a direct consequence of diabetes - I developed a huge abscess that poisoned my whole body and made me very ill. While I was recovering at home my doctor rang me and told me that they had arranged an appointment with the practice pharmacist for me to discuss alternative diabetes treatment. Of course I was more than happy for this to happen because I had been so poorly that I could not bear the thought of having to go through it again. I mean there are no guarantees but anything I could do to help was a no-brainer.

When I had my appointment with Adam, the pharmacist, he told me that there was still a chance that we could get my diabetes in remission because my glucose levels were not ridiculously high. It was simply a question of losing weight. My heart sank, even though I knew this was coming. I knew I had to be honest and tell him about my problems with food. He was so understanding an kind. He told me that he thought a drug called Ozempic could help me. I had read about it of course but I hadn’t realised that it was a diabetes medication. It turns out that it is actually only licensed as a diabetes treatment. It works by slowing down your digestive system and by mimicking the hormone that your stomach releases to tell your brain it is full. This has the effect of decreasing your appetite which in some people leads to weight loss - although this is not its primary function. Adam made it clear that it is by no means an easy path to take and there are many side effects to consider - but that if used carefully, it is a useful tool. If I could lose 10% of my body weight it could make a huge difference and possibly put my diabetes in remission. He gave me a couple of weeks to think about it and in the meantime he sent me lots of information to read. When my next appointment came I told him that I wanted to try it. I had used those couple of weeks to get my head in the right place and I was ready. I made a list (you know how much I love lists!) of what I hoped to achieve by using it. Of course I wanted to help my diabetes. But right at the top of the list was to gain control. This was absolutely nailed on. I also said that I wanted to have more energy, to feel less tired, and to be able to read my body’s cues relating to hunger and satiety. I actually began to feel hopeful - so hopeful that I actually shed tears - that this could be the turning point I had been waiting for. And I embraced it with my whole self. I was absolutely determined to make sustainable changes that I would enjoy and look forward to. I considered it a huge privilege to be offered the medication for free, especially as I know people who are using it purely for weight loss and they are paying hundreds of pounds for it.

You only need one injection a week. The needle is absolutely tiny and you don’t feel it. I started on a very low dose - 0.25mg. You build it up a month at a time. Month 2 was 0.5mg and month 3, where I am now, is 1mg. The first month I barely noticed any side effects other than feeling slightly sick, which I knew to expect. But I noticed the effect on my appetite within days. I can only describe it as almost like having a switch flicked in my head. Some people describe their constant thoughts of food as ‘food noise’ and I can identify with that. But within days, my noise had gone. It was unbelievable. And when I was eating, suddenly it felt like a shutter coming down in my brain saying ‘no more.’ Previously I would push on through even if I was full because I’d been taught that to reject food was to reject love. But suddenly I realised that I am not that little girl anymore. I am in sole charge of what goes in my mouth and I do not have to reward or punish myself with food. It is so hard to write all this down but also strangely cathartic. I suddenly had the energy to exercise. I started going for long walks which I love. And I also got back in the pool which has made such a difference to my wellbeing. I downloaded an absolutely brilliant app called nutracheck which I use to track my calories and other nutrients and it’s an absolute game-changer. In my first month I lost ten pounds and I was elated. I could feel the difference in myself already. In August Adam asked me to have a full panel of blood tests to see where my numbers were. After only 4 weeks, my numbers were all in the non-diabetic range - every single one of them. I couldn’t believe it. But best of all, I no longer felt like I was being controlled by food. It was such a feeling, I can’t really describe it.

But month 3 has been very, very hard. The side effects I’d dreaded finally kicked in and I have felt absolutely terrible. The sickness has been constant, night and day. It has been like permanent motion sickness. I have felt utterly wretched. I have been so down that I have cried. Going for walks or swimming was out of the question. It has taken all my energy to simply function. The problem is that because it’s an injection, once you’ve had a jab there is no antidote - you have to see it through and let it do its thing. The point I am keen to make is that I know some people think this medicine is a magic wand that you can just wave and your problem will be fixed when nothing could be further from the truth. You cannot carry on as you always did. You have to use the medicine as a tool to help you - it is not the solution. You are the only person who can decide what goes in your mouth. Your history, the root of your problem - all of it is irrelevant now. You are the only one who can work the magic. And you have to be prepared for the side effects which for me at least have been dreadful, particularly in month 3. Hopefully they are now starting to settle down and we are not planning to increase my dose. But my gods. Oh I can’t tell you how utterly vile it has been.

Up to press I have lost almost two stone (for our US friends, 1 stone = 14 pounds). I feel like a different woman. It’s the little things. The sleeves on my denim jacket are loose now. When I put my makeup on, I can feel my cheekbones under my fingers. I’ve had to move my car seat closer to the steering wheel. But the biggest change is the one in my head. Ozempic has given me the chance to reassess my entire relationship with food. Because I can literally only eat so much a day, what I do eat has to count. So I am trying so hard to eat the most nutritious, healthful food possible - along with the occasional treat. I no longer use food to reward myself. Instead I read my magazine, have an extra long bubble bath, or watch my favourite tv show or YouTubers for a while. My mindset has changed completely. I am so grateful.

I find it so frustrating that some people think that Ozempic is ‘cheating.’ What on earth does that even mean? When you are fat you literally cannot win. You get battered for being fat and told that you need to lose weight. But it’s almost like the people saying this want you to ‘pay’ for your fatness by losing weight the ‘hard’ way, like you need to be punished for your gluttony. Would they say the same thing to people trying to give up smoking who use nicotine replacement therapy? I doubt it. And I am here to tell you that Ozempic is NOT the ‘easy’ route to weight loss. I am working my (literal) arse off. The changes I have made so far are partly due to the medicine but there is absolutely no way that I am giving it all the credit. The only one deciding what goes in my mouth is me. The onlyone that gets in the pool and swims 40 lengths, even when she is absolutely shattered, is me. And I am taking 100% of the credit for that.

My next review is in January. We will see what my numbers are and decide if I am going to continue with the medicine. At this point I don’t know. Ideally what I want is to take the changes I’ve made forward without the drug, and to keep working on my relationship with food and with myself. If more weight loss comes from that, then great. As long as what I am doing is sustainable and working for me, that’s enough. I am doing all I can to make the most of this opportunity to improve my relationship with food, with my body and with myself. And if I can do that, I will absolutely consider this chapter of my life to be one of the greatest spells I ever cast.

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/get-help-for-myself/i-need-support-now/helplines/

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