What is this Feeling?

In a few short weeks I will be 55. Seeing those words in front of me on the screen is both amazing and terrifying. I can’t believe I have got this far. Now I know that growing old is a privilege denied to many and I am truly grateful that I have made it to this point relatively unscathed. I thought I was very accepting of my impending Crone-dom and ready to embrace the next stage of my life. But it turns out that isn’t as true as I’d hoped.

On Monday this week (which was a holiday here in the UK) I went for a coffee with Mark. We were chatting away as we normally do about all kinds of things when Mark suddenly asked me how I felt now that ‘it’ was over. I had no idea what ‘it’ was so I asked him and it turned out that he was talking about the menopause. I nearly choked on my large iced decaf sugar-free caramel latte. Bless him! He thinks that when your periods stop, that’s it. You can go back to being your usual self, everything goes back to normal, job done. Now I must say at this point that I am VERY lucky with Mark. He is so kind-hearted and as soft as a brush. He tries very hard to educate himself about the ways of the woman. We’ve been together for thirty years after all and it’s been a pretty steep learning curve. I’m not one to stereotype but he’s from a very traditional family of Derbyshire coal miners (himself, his father, his grandfather, his great grandfather…) where men were men and women knew their place which was mostly to run the home and have babies. And they certainly didn’t talk about their bodies and minds in the way that we are able to these days. Anyway I gently told him that unfortunately, the fact that your periods have stopped does not mean that ‘it’ is over. In fact in a lot of ways it’s just the beginning. The poor lad looked crestfallen.

For the last few months I’ve been feeling something I couldn’t name. An almost overwhelming sadness and melancholy that no amount of coffee, bubble baths or Percy Pigs could fix. I put it down to the problems I was having at work - a massive restructure, the loss of many of my closest colleagues, fear for my own job security. Along with this, I’ve had a number of ongoing health issues. You might know that I have a heart problem. Nothing huge, it’s a problem with the ‘wiring’ that gives me a crazy rhythm from time to time but for some reason it’s been going crazy since Christmas. I’ve been so scared. I’ve seen my cardiologist who has given me some reassurance and changed my medication. Then for the last few months I’ve had a big problem with my right knee. I am waiting to find out if it needs surgery, I am going for X-rays on Sunday. But in the meantime I am really struggling. I have some other things going on which I won’t go into but the result of which is that my life seems to be a constant stream of blood tests and appointments and prescriptions. I realise how lucky I am to have access to these things but it’s a bit much at the moment. The point I am making is that these things seem to be directly related to age. When I talk to my friends of a similar age we all seem to be going through the same thing. Various twinges, aches, syndromes, and so on. But even the reassurance of knowing that we are all in the same boat didn’t bring any comfort from the awful gut-twisting sadness I was feeling. Regularly dissolving into tears as I drove home from work. Waking in the early hours, filled with anxiety and dread about absolutely anything. Feeling fragile and vulnerable in ways I’d never felt before. Knowing that Mark is really worried about me but not being able to verbalise what’s going on in my head.

As a Witch I am constantly amazed at the sheer amount of synchronicity in my life. By which I mean how often the right things show up at the right time. It happens all the time. On Tuesday this poem crossed my path. It was shown to me on instagram where I try not to spend too much time. But it stopped me in my tracks. I must have read it a hundred times. It’s by Emory Hall, whose work I was not familiar with until this point but who I intend to spend a lot more time with. I printed the poem out and put it on my altar. I spent time with it, going deeper and further into what I was feeling. Suddenly I remembered something my darling Mum said to me when she was losing her mobility due to her Parkinson’s and was no longer able to walk without assistance. She just said, ‘When I was a girl I used to run to work.’ The memory came from nowhere and I was hit with a wave of loss and sadness that took my breath and at that moment I knew that what I’d been feeling all along was Grief. The realisation was such a relief. I can’t believe it took me so long to identify it, having been through so much of it. Grief for all the women I have been and for all they have been through. But out of that realisation has come the sudden understanding that I will be many more women before my time on this earthly plane is over. I have so much to experience and find joy in. Every version of me that is yet to come has got so much to discover and learn. I am not over, not by a long chalk. For the first time in months I saw a glimmer - remember we’ve spoken before about how important those little sparks of light are - and I grabbed it and held onto it. I understand now how important it is to mourn who we once were - but how it’s even more important to celebrate all that we will be. All it took for me was this tiny poem that literally takes thirty seconds to read but which has lodged itself in my head on its own little shelf.

‘I Have Been a Thousand Different Women’ by Emory Hall

The point of this post hasn’t been to bring you down - quite the opposite. I hope it’s given you a sense of hope and comfort. I’m starting to understand what I’ve been feeling. There is a long way to go but I feel much more optimistic than I did. I’m so grateful for this poem. You can be sure it’s going to find its way into my Book of Shadows. We are amazing, beautiful, fascinating creatures whose bodies perform miracles. We are Maiden, Mother and Crone and we are the Moon and the Stars. We are made of magic, the very fabric of the universe sits within our bones. We deserve to be honoured and revered, especially by ourselves. And that’s something I plan to do more of, starting right now with the biggest Caramel Latte I’ve ever had.

I send you all my love x